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More from the OLD notebooks (from the 90s…)

 

If everything is so amazing
Why do I feel so empty?
Is it because I feel bad about
the way things have gone?

Although I’m thoroughly enjoying it!!
I think I’d be fine if I hadn’t heard your voice
Wracked with pain and anger
Toward me
Toward yourself
Im sorry I can’t help you
I can’t even help myself

Guilt is there
as well as that sense of “I told you so”

Told you it could be lost
Told you it would be lost
But you chose to do without
I can’t decide that for you

You make the time
You find the time
To make the pain and loss better
Make everyone happier
more cheerful
Less bored with the same old thing
No love lost

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You might be on to something

I opened up an old notebook, just to post something different and older to my other blog.
The first one  read …

who do you want me to be today
do you want to belong here with me
let me make up my mind
sit alone all this time

For some reason, it sounded like me, but sounded like something I’d heard before.  Which may be from me actually writing it! 
But to make sure….I had to google it.  and I didn’t find it.  (which means I wrote it….right?!)

Its odd.  I know I write ok.  But there’s still that little part of me, that you boost up sooooo much.
That one little part of me that thinks that

maybe it’s just you that gets it. 
maybe it’s just you, who appreciates it.

and I’m ok with that.
I love that you love it
and that my words move you!

and thank you for the confidence to keep going.
To keep wanting to write something that’s even better than the one I wrote before.

You’re an inspiration.
to more than just me. 
I’m glad you’re in my corner
rooting for me
and pushing me for more

I love you.

It Was Just a Little Tuesday Morning

I love you!
I love you!
I love you!

You are the banana in my bread
You are the cream in my coffee
You are the one I want to kiss goodnight
You are the one I want to wake up next to

You are the smile on my face
You are the light in my eyes
You are the finger in my nose
You are the booger on my tongue

You You You
all these things
all these amazing things
all wrapped up into one cute little package

a package that i just want to hold
and carry
and protect
and make well
and make smile again

and i swear I will
I SWEAR I WILL!!!

i love you

 

written 1-25-2011

Inspired Emails

I thought about you all last night again.
I wanted to say, I had a REALLY great day yesterday.  Spending time with you is so easy and comfortable and you just make me want to see you more and more, and share with you more and more, and fall in love more and more
I love that you’re the voice of reason, talking me down from the mountain when I’m yelling to everyone how much I love you.
Thanks again for your patience and understanding.
Thanks again for being you.
I would like two things!
I would like a do over on my asking you out and
I would like a do over on the ISSUES I’ve been having when we mess around.
I don’t need them to be perfect…I just want them to be better and memorable for the right reasons.
I love you

alllll these sappy motherfucking things I wrote.

and allllll these sappy mother fucking things I wrote
telling you how I loved this
and liked when your this did that
and how the fucking sun was brighter or some shit
and how the moon shined or shone different.
or the same
or some shit

and alll these sappy mother fucking things I wrote

about how you were this
or how you  were that
about how sweet…
i forgot to add shitty too

and all these sappy mother fucking things I wrote
about how proud I was.
because you made an effort …
there was no effort
or how proud i was
because you planned this
but really…you were off doing that

and all these sappy mother fucking things I wrote
because i meant them
but i want it all back
because it was a long one way street i was on
and you hitched a ride
and made me take every fork that was yours
while my fork would have been faster, cheaper, less painful, and happier

and all these sappy mother fucking things I wrote
worried for you
crying for you
imagining the pain you were going through
allll this
I CANNOT EVEN PUT INTO WORDS.
alllll of this fucking EVERYTHING from me
the blood from my heart
the hairs in my nose
the wrinkles on my toes
my stupid fucking mind
my stupid fucking mind
my stupid fucking heart
my stupid fucking heart

and now
my stupid fucking blood
my stupid fucking blood
my worth
at your hands
my soul for you to dissolve in water

and my blood
for you to wreck
taint
sabotage

and as strange as it might be
my anger is not about that

my anger is for the mockery you made of my life
the 10000000 little things you’ve done to fuck things up
bit
by
bit
by
bit

and my anger is in that lie
where you still tell me you love me
where you still reach out
where you still have to lie
to keep up the other lies

and mostly my anger is in myself
because i fell for it

Do I

In my conscious effort to post once a week, at the very least.   This is  “DO I”

Do I see myself differently
Stretched out arms
To pull the rest apart
What’s left
What’s still intact
Able to be salvaged
Reconditioned
Used

Or is it too far gone
The rust to heavy
The cracks too deep